I’ll Regret (Not Doing) This When I’m 80

Starting last month, my office has been hosting a “Lunch & Learn” series, composed of six separate health-focused mini seminars. A couple weeks ago, a poster went up listing the sessions, which include “What Is Good Fat?,” “To Salt or Not to Salt?,” “Cure the Sugar Blues,” “Controlling Cravings,” “What Is My Healthy Weight?,” and “You Are What You Eat.”

As soon as I saw this thing, I felt compelled to attend at least one of the seminars and cause a stir. I scanned the options on the poster to determine where I could rouse the rabble most effectively. Almost certainly each session would contain some degree of wrongness–whether the wrongness would be on the level of minor infiltration or straight-up contamination was up for grabs. But there’s one issue among the six that really grinds my gears, and the choice was unmistakable: If it was gonna be anything, “What Is Good Fat?” was what it was gonna be.

Attendance at the first session, while strong, failed to match that of any installment in the earlier Drink & Forget series.

I thought about showing up armed with knowledge and ready to do info-battle with the unwitting nutritionist. Would I pepper the exchange with subtle remarks aimed at planting a few seeds of doubt in the participants’ heads? Or would I go mano a mano with the RD (yes, even though she’s a woman, because Ben Stein taught me well that it means “hand to hand”) and make things really awkward for everybody? Would I sling a few timid pebbles at the Goliath of conventional wisdom, or would I deliver it brutal justice of a kind that lies somewhere between Terry Tate and the Israeli army?

In the end, I never seriously considered any of the above. But man, the thought was enticing. Although I probably could have come up with a reasonable approach that would have left a few minds piqued and my conscience assuaged, I decided I just wasn’t ready for potential office infamy. Most of my immediate work colleagues know I prefer salads to sandwiches, but it’s not like I show up to work in a pelt or make carpaccio from scratch in the cafeteria.

Then again, there are four sessions left…

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2 Comments

Filed under Food, Health, Nutrition

2 responses to “I’ll Regret (Not Doing) This When I’m 80

  1. Matt

    For the record, I would totally attend a carpaccio-making session in the Cafe.

  2. Wenchypoo

    I know what you mean about “conventional wisdom”–my own health insurance company sent me a newsletter with an article about diet facts and myths. It said that high-protein, low-carb diets are bad for you because they can cause gallstones, kidney problems, and gout, and recommended we balance our plate to include at least 130 mg. /day of carbs, a third of that should come from starches.

    Well, to get 130 mg./day of carbs, I’d have to eat entire loaves of bread each day, and I’m allergic to wheat/gluten to start with!

    Then I’m harkened back to the good old Food Guide Pyramid: 6 to 11 servings/day of bread products–is this where my insurer is getting his health advice?

    They want me to eat badly so they can charge me more cleaning up the after-effects, like diabetes, heart problems, etc.

    The Food Guide Pyramid is a food pyramid scheme as far as I’m concerned–driven by wartime rationing, politics, and profit.

    So why can’t I favor a parsnip over a cookie, or a salad over a pasta dish? There isn’t enough money in it for others, apparently.

    I’ve never had gout, already cleaned out my gall bladder, and don’t foresee kidney issues. I’m continuing Paleo because it fits beautifully with my food allergies, and my insurer can kiss my ass!

    I just wish I had a doctor who understood what “normal” is when it comes to cholesterol and blood pressure while on this diet–I always get harassed about LDL and told to take Lipitor. Joining a gym would be cheaper, but I’ll just go do some weeding in my garden instead.

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